8:16 the clock says. As with a run, I imagine settling into the writing. As with a run, there is this sort of nervous anticipation, the balance between being present in the moment and understanding what will need to be done to reach the goal. Yet with a run, that goal is, in one way or another, finite, clear. Perhaps it is leaving the house at 4 AM and knowing I will be back at 8. 4 hours, 30+ miles. I know I must move. I know when to drink. I know the signs that my failing body needs a GU. It is not so with this blog.
I begin my effort tonight, as the blog's title suggests, to keep a record of what I learn. Long have I thought it is a good idea, and today, a few weeks past the age of 31, I have taken action. Thus, it begins.
Yet what is my goal? What do I hope to gain from this? Unlike a run, with its clear beginning and end, this record has no end. Perhaps I will stop writing, but my ultimate goal, to be more thoughtful and understanding and compassionate, that (hopefully) will never end. This will likely be a collection of my odd noticings and musings, often overly dramatic, and attempting to sound erudite. My apologies (to self and others) for that. I view it with trepidation - yet it is only my thinking. I view it as narcissistic - who cares what I think (other than me)? I hope it to be enlightening - a record for Cooper and Jacoby to see into their dad's mind when they are older, a window for myself to reflect on my thoughts and learning. I hope it will be a chance to exercise what little intellect I have - there's not much there to begin with. Maybe this will help!
In the end, do I even need a goal for this little venture? My best days, my best runs, my best classes have been the ones where goals were not totally clear and I just was. The hike with Liz on the Kalaloua Trail. The hike with Liz in Japan (rough start, memorable ending). The snow day with Cooper. The nighttime snuggles with Jacoby. The first 3 am/30 mile run, with the loons around Walden Pond, and getting home before Cooper woke up. The recent discussion among students of the relation between money and happiness. These were all things unplanned. They were part of the umbrella goal of being a decent person. And that is my hope for these rambling writings - that they inspire me to be honest and become a more thoughtful and caring person.
Pretty heady stuff for something that started out as a way to write about my running!